Last year I decided to tackle my lawns. They were absolutely riddled with weeds. There was a particular weed which would crop up on one side of the lawn, and then grow along the ground, hidden in the grass, stretching out in a long strands right across to the other side. I would pick it up and start pulling, and keep pulling and pulling as it showed just how long this weed was! I don’t know what the weed is called, but I’ve heard of bindweed and that sounds like it should describe what I was encountering. 

So I spent many hours walking around my lawns, looking for this weed. Mostly it was hidden in the grass, so I learnt to see the giveaway clue of a little stripe of red - once I saw that I could grab it like a wire and carefully pull so that it would not snap, and so try to pull out the whole of the weed. It was quite fun! 

At the end of the summer when walking around my lawns I couldn’t find any sign of that particular weed, and I felt I had a job well done on my hands. 

But this spring I have made a sad discovery. Though I had done a good job pulling up all those weeds - I didn’t replace them with anything. I had thought at one point of getting some grass seed down to fill in all the holes I had created with my rampant weeding, but I just hadn’t ever gotten around to it. So as I have ventured into my garden this year (on the few dry days we’ve had since February! I have discovered that those holes and empty places that the weeds left behind have been filled - by new and different types of weeds! All that work, for nothing. In fact, worse than nothing - because now I have to learn new ways of weeding to fit these new types of weeds! Oh boy!

It made me think, as gardening often seems to do, of the Christian walk. There are times when we apply ourselves to learning the truth, to Bible study and listening to sermons, trying to find out how we should live. And with the help of the Spirit we start to weed our lives, rooting out sin and the effects of poor choices, and the lies of the Devil. We tidy up our lives, getting rid of those weeds that hold us back. But if we do not then also fill those spaces with the truth, then we leave a nice tidy garden with turned over soil all ready for a whole new batch of weeds to take root! We must be as vigilant at planting good seed - reading the Bible and getting as much Godly teaching as we can get our hands on - as we must be about weeding out sin and deception in our lives. 

Jesus made the same warning, using a different picture: Matthew 12:43-46

“When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”

So here’s my challenge to you - have you got a good balance in your gardening, between weeding and feeding? 

Ten years ago, in the little Wiltshire market town of Devizes, I walked down one side of a church as Miss Emily Burgess, and walked back out the other side  as Mrs Emily Jones. In less than an hour I had been transformed, becoming a new person. All that planning, all the dreams and hopes, all boiling down to a few moments where we made our promises...

Steve proposed to me on Clevedon pier in July 2001. We were driving back home from a wedding in Exeter and had stopped off for lunch. Having just moved from Cardiff to Marlborough following our graduation from Uni, I had been gently encouraging (in no way could you call it nagging!) Steve about when were we going to get married for some time. But as we walked around the pier, looking out over the choppy water to the Severn Bridge which seemed to signify something of our old life, I wasn’t really thinking about marriage. So when I turned around to see that Steve was down on one knee I was a little shocked. For some reason the thought went through my head that he was only asking me because I had *ahem* nagged him to.... so as he began that very important question I started to say ‘No, don’t ask me unless you really want to’. Unfortunately what came out was ‘no, no!’ - and then I realised that Steve was going white with shock.... Thankfully I recovered my sense quickly enough to explain that yes, of course I would marry him! 

Planning

We set the date for the wedding as May 11th 2002, and I decided on the colours of purple, lilac and yellow as the theme, with butterflies. While we were living in Marlborough at the time we’d settled in Sheep Street Baptist Church in the nearby village of Devizes, and it was here that we’d decided to get married. As we’d only just left Uni we didn’t have much money and didn’t want to start married life in debt, so everything was to be on a shoestring, while we asked for wedding gifts to be contributions towards paying for a honeymoon! My sister designed our invitations for us, and we had them printed out on plain lemon yellow card. They featured little butterflies and a Bible verse. We had rejected the popular ‘wedding’ verses from 1 Corinthians on the theme of love, and instead chose Song of Songs 8:6-7

“Place me like a seal over your heart... love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can rivers drown it”

It was a verse that summed up how strong our love was, and our commitment that nothing that we faced in the future would break us apart. 

The day arrives

The day before the wedding both our families travelled up from Wales, and we spent our last night as individuals with our respective family members - Steve with his parents, brother and sister in a hotel in Devizes, while I stayed in our little rented bungalow with my parents and nan, as well as my chief bridesmaid and best friend Ruth. Ruth’s wedding gift to me had been to take me out for the afternoon to be pampered - manicure, pedicure and massage - bliss! Or it would have been, had the therapist not slipped when ministering to my feet and sliced a good chunk out of my big toe! In the evening we went out to dinner to a little pub in Devizes, where my Nan proceeded to flirt outrageously with the waiter, of so embarrassing! She told him he looked like a Greek god, and when we asked what the dessert on the menu called a Mint Fling was he replied that it was something you had before you got married.... 

When I woke in the morning I was of course excited! The week running up to the wedding I’d had some nervous moments, when fears of the future and whether I’d be able to be a good wife had nearly had me calling it off - thankfully I never acted on those doubts! The nerves were still running high though; while the morning was looking dry and fine so far, but knowing the British weather I couldn’t feel assured that it would stay dry all day. My dad made me a cooked breakfast, at my request, but I don’t think I did it justice, feeling far too unsettled to eat! I’m glad I did eat some of it though, as apart from a bite of cheesecake in the late evening I didn’t eat anything else all day. 

A surprising guest

After breakfast my dad drove me and Ruth down to the village of Pewsey, about 20 minutes away, where my hairdresser waited for us. As we drove through the winding country roads, enjoying the continuing sunshine, all of a sudden an adult deer jumped out of the hedge to the right of the car. It was a magnificent beast - and he decided to run along the road, alongside the car as we continued to drive. I can’t describe how amazing it was to watch that majestic creature galloping beside us, and the joy it gave me for our special day. After just a few minutes the deer jumped back into the bushes, thankfully returning to the same side he had come from rather than trying to cross in front of us. It felt like a special gift from God just for me.

The dress

When we got back from the hairdresser my two bridesmaids - my nieces Cathryn and Erin - had arrived, as well as my little flowergirl Heather, daughter of another good friend Astra. Now the full wedding party was assembled it was time to get dressed. Years previously, as a young girl, I had read about the tradition of brides wearing white having only come into fashion since Queen Victoria, and before then brides wore beautiful coloured dresses instead. So I had decided to go against the trend - the three little girls were dressed in white with lilac sashes around their waists, Ruth wore a full length deep purple dress; and for me... well, I wore lilac! With the help of my friend Kirsty and lots of bridal magazines, I designed my dream dress - a princess line, full length, simple dress in lilac, with spaghetti straps, combined with an overcoat in delicate near-seethrough white, with big, medieval style sleeves. The idea was to keep the dress fairly simple so that after the wedding it could be altered into a summer dress, and so get more than one wearing out of it. I still haven’t quite gotten around to doing that.... Anyway, the drawings that Kirsty did for me were fantastic and I had dreamed of wearing that dress for months. 

Unfortunately, being in Wiltshire miles away from my family and chief bridesmaid, I’d had to go through the dress-making process by myself, and being rather timid I didn’t have the courage to speak my mind and tell the dressmaker when the dress wasn’t quite what I wanted. By the end of the process lots of the little details had been lost - such as the butterfly stitching and added purple dye; the lilac colour wasn’t quite what I had imagined, and the white coat wasn’t quite as delicate as I’d hoped for... The day we picked up the finished dress was one week before the wedding. We got home and I rushed into my room to try it on - looked into the mirror, and burst into tears! A worried Steve hovered outside my door trying to find out what was wrong. I changed back into my ‘civvies’, came out and tragically cried into his arms that ‘I don’t look like a bride at all!’ 

At that moment Steve became my hero. He bundled my and my dress into the car and drove us straight to Caerphilly to Ruth’s house! Knowing he would never be able to convince me himself, he took me straight to people who could help. Ruth and her wonderful mum took me upstairs and got me into the dress - and then proceeded to go so gooey and excited over the dress and how beautiful I looked, enough to make me feel like the blushing bride I wanted to be! 

Once I was all dressed, hair and makeup complete, there was little left to do but wait. I remember coming out into the living room, and Astra’s husband Chris was there, togged to the nines in his Scottish kilt. He said something like ‘Hello Beautiful!’ Normally I love a good compliment, and would have gratefully thanked him - but unfortunately I was a little distracted, and I’m not even sure I acknowledged he spoke to me! I was distracted because something was missing.... 

In my hair the hairdresser had woven several little butterflies, whose jewelled wings flapped on little springs. These were a present from Kirsty, and my ‘something new’; the butterflies were nestled against half a dozen white and cream flowers, which my mother had worn in her hair on her wedding day - my ‘something borrowed’; and round my neck I wore a simple gold chain with a delicate gold cross, a gift which had been given my on the day of my christening when I was barely a few months old - my ‘something old’. But I had nothing blue! There was barely an hour to go now, where would I find something blue from? 

I am blessed with so many fantastic friends - at this moment Karen, a friend from our church in Devizes arrived. She had already thought ahead, and had bought me a gift - of another little butterfly, this one with blue wings, which she fixed into my bouquet (a bunch of silk lilac rose buds). So now I was complete! 

Punctual bride

With 40 minutes to go the bridal car arrived. Steve had arranged the cars, and to keep costs down we hadn’t gone for anything special, just regular taxis. Of course, he’d told them that the trip was to a wedding. Unfortunately though the driver had misunderstood and thought he was delivering guests to the wedding - not the bride herself! So the car arrived, complete with taxi signs and adverts all along the side! When the driver realised who he was transporting he was very embarrassed that the car wasn’t ‘up to standard’ - bless him, he pulled the magnetic adverts off the sides and did his best to make it a bridal vehicle. Unfortunately, in his thinking that we were guests, he’d arrived extra early to make sure we got to the church on time. The journey only takes about 20-25 minutes from Marlborough to Devizes, and here we were, all hanging around waiting for time to pass. Not wanting to keep the taxi driver waiting too long, we all set off - me and Dad in the taxi while the others separated out into other cars. As we neared Devizes I realised we were still too early - I began to panic that I would arrive at the church before the groom! As much as I didn’t like comforming to tradition for tradition’s sake, that was going too far! So as we drove in to the village I spotted an old folks home with a big, empty carpark, and instructed the driver to pull in! And there we sat for ten minutes, just me, Dad and a taxi driver, waiting till it was late enough for me to get to the church! 

We arrived, pretty much dead on time. As we got ourselves set up in the foyer, arranging the children in the order they should walk, making sure the dress was looking its best, I remember seeing some of the guests turning around and sneaking a peak at us - I was very annoyed, they were spoiling the effect of my entrance! But the feeling faded quickly in the excitement of the moment, that I was finally at my wedding! 

The wedding itself passed in a blur. I remember little details - my cousin, only a few years old, crawling all over my dad and distracting him during the sermon; the organ playing Amazing Grace; our minister Rev Peter Butchers giving us a pair of chopsticks. I can’t even remember making our vows at all, though I’m reliably assured that we did! I do remember being kissed for the first time by my husband! My beautiful friend Sylvia, who had been instrumental in helping me grow in my faith, prayed a wonderful prayer of blessing over us, which several people were still talking about months later. 

We stayed in the church to sign the register, with Steve’s dad and my mum as witnesses. We’d forgotten to let Rev Pete know that my new father-in-law’s name was Huw Llewellyn Jones.... perhaps giving him some time to practice getting the spellings correct would have saved him having to write it, cross it through and try again three times on our wedding certificate! Ah well, I’m assured we’re still legally married, even though the name still ended up being left misspelt! 

We walked back out of the church, now as Mr and Mrs Jones. And I remember, as we got outside, that Steve just jumped up and punched the air, like he’d won the lottery! Oh, how I love him. 

We had photos taken in the little garden at the back of the church, while the guests enjoyed welshcakes made by Steve’s Nan (she’d also made our wedding cake - a beautiful 3 tier cake decorated with little yellow daffodills and lilac roses!) The church shared the garden with the old folks home next door (a different one to the one whose carpark we’d sat in!) and so in the background of some of our wedding photos you’ll see the odd elderly couple sat on a garden bench - they weren’t guests, we’ve no idea who they are! We’d given Cathryn, Erin and Heather little white bags embroidered with butterflies, and inside was big paper petals in purple, lilac and yellow. They threw them on the ground in the garden, and we had our photos taken amongst this cloud of petals - delicious! Weeks later when showing the wedding photos to some family friends, one lady remarked ‘oh, look at the petals, how amazing that the colours matched your wedding colours!’ It was almost a pity to explain that it had been done on purpose....

The reception

When we ran out of groups of people to pose with, we gathered the remaining guests together (they’d polished off all the welshcakes, so I never got one!) and walked from the church to the pub around the corner - The Bell by the Green - where our reception was held. It was only a five minute walk, but I loved it, trooping through that pretty village, feeling every inch the beautiful bride as random strangers in cars waved and tooted at us! Thank goodness the sun had stayed for the entire day - we hadn’t made any back up plan for getting to the reception if it had rained! 

At the reception there was a little beer garden with a rabbit run in it; it’s a good job we had access to that beer garden - because there weren’t enough seats in the function room, so some of the guests were relegated to sitting outside at the picnic benches! I don’t think they minded too much on such a lovely day. We didn’t do a formal meal, just a good old fashioned buffet. It came time for the speeches, and Steve’s younger brother Marc stole the show with his Best Man’s speech when he started off ‘I’ve known Steven all most of my life...’ I don’t think he’d meant it as a joke, but when everyone burst out laughing and clapping, he accepted it! My Dad’s speech was short and to the point - I remember him giving Steve the advise to never stop courting me - good advise, I say! 

The reception passed by as swiftly as the wedding had. So many people, so much going on, but I could do nothing much but sit back and watch it all happen, feeling just a little overwhelmed. I just wanted to enjoy the day as much as possible. At the end of the evening Steve and I popped upstairs to get changed, anticipating that the taxi would soon be here to take us to our hotel. Marc had been in charge of booking the car - he’d planned at first to get us a fancy car, but had had to tell us that it was beyond his budget. We weren’t worried, quite happy with just a taxi. But as we came back downstairs we were greeted to Marc’s little bluff - he’d hired a stretch limo for us! Glasses of bubbly were waiting for us, and off we drove. It was such a lovely gesture from Marc - such a shame that being in the back of a stretch limo driving through very bendy country lanes meant that we got swung from side to side in the back! It was such an hysterical journey! 

Lots of memories from such a special day. But that day was just the beginning - we’ve followed it up with 10 years of more days, filled with joy and drama, routine and change. And as we celebrate our anniversary today, we know there’ll be lots more to come! 

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During the 18th and 19th centuries country after country introduced laws abolishing slavery. As each law was signed and ratified an instant change took place in the legal status of thousands of individuals. As of a particular moment they were legally no longer slaves, owned by another human being, but now free men, with the same freedom and rights and liberties as other free men. 

The change was instant and applied to all slaves under the jurisdiction of that particular country’s legal system. The former slave didn’t need to know about it in order to be free - they were declared free by the existence of the law. They were free - that was fact. However, it was only by knowing and accepting their new status as freed men that it made any difference on their lives. Simply having a legal status of being free didn’t stop them from going into work the next day as normal! It was only when they accepted their new status and acknowledged that it changed their priorities and expectations that their behavior changed. 

In fact, some slaves never did change their lifestyles following their release. They had lived as slaves all their lives - it was in their world-view that they were subordinate to their owners, and they couldn’t comprehend a way of living that involved them making their own choices, determining their own future. They didn’t know how to be independent - to be free! The fear of this new way of living was great enough that they preferred to continue living in bondage to their masters - now by choice rather than ownership. They were free legally - but they were not living free. 

Slavery in Christians

It is sadly true that this scenario can be seen again and again in the life of Christians. Through the death and resurrection of Christ our Lord we are freed slaves - no longer in bondage to the Devil, the ruler of the current age. Instead our legal status is changed and we now are freed men and women in the Kingdom of God. But while we may accept our new status - there are many who continue to live as though they were still slaves. 

It may be through ignorance - no one has told them that their new life in Christ equals freedom from the past! Or perhaps no one has ever taught them how to live in freedom. Or it may be through the lies of the Enemy - who has distorted their understanding of freedom to mean that they still have to obey his commands. Or perhaps there is even fear - fear of making a mistake, fear of condemnation - that keeps them in bondage to the law, in the wrong thinking that keeping the rules is the way to ensure their future freedom. 

Freedom in Christ

This is why I got involved in the Freedom in Christ course (FIC). It’s a simple course developed by Christians to help Christians live in the freedom they already have through the power of the cross. Through teaching some basic fundamentals of the Christian faith it helps to uncover the lies of the Enemy which we may unknowingly be believing, causing us to remain living as slaves rather than in our true free citizenship of God’s Kingdom. It’s as simple as that - as a Christian you are free - but it is easy to continue to live as a slave! 

I went on the course a few years ago - I had been a Christian for over 20 years already; during those 20 years I had heard many sermons, read many books, read and re-read the Bible and learnt a good many things about living as a Christian. Shortly before going on FIC God had healed me by his grace and mercy from a depression which had held me in darkness for 4 or 5 years. Going on the course I realised that I had been living with false beliefs about my status before God, and hadn’t truly grasped the fullness of my freedom. 

I nearly didn’t go on course at all. I assumed it was either for new Christians, those who would benefit from learning some basic foundation teaching; or for Christians with obvious ‘issues’. I reasoned that I had a been a Christian for a long time know so probably knew all I needed to know in terms of foundations; and as for issues, well, my depression was healed now so I was ok! 

I’m so glad a wise friend persevered in persuading me to attend. It’s amazing how much you don’t know that you don’t know until it’s revealed to you! I had been living with false information for such a long time, lies in my life about who I was and about the power that Satan had that constricted my faith and restricted my living it out. And as for the depression - yes it was healed; but I had developed habits of thought patterns which were really easy to slip back into. Freedom in Christ taught me how I am not enslaved to my own thoughts, but actually in control of them. It taught me how to avoid those old thought habits, refuse to return to old ways of thinking that were based on those lies that had been revealed. 

Who should do FIC

In short - everyone!

• Whether you’ve been a Christian for 20 weeks or 20 years - you don’t know what you don’t know - and as deception is the Devil’s primary means of attack, it’s likely that you will have a lie or two lurking about that you are believing without realising it’s there. Even if you are the most perfect, most widely read, most dedicated biblical scholar that every existed in Christendom (and I haven’t met any such person yet....) then there is likely something for you to learn on Freedom in Christ

• Anyone with a life-controlling habit - such as depression, eating disorders, addictions, etc. Or if you’ve been in such a place in the past - Freedom in Christ can help you ensure that you are totally free from these, not just partially free.

• Anyone who finds they can’t control their emotions - do you react violently or in what feels an ‘over the top’ way to some situations, without being able to understand why? Freedom in Christ can help you identify what’s causing this. 

• Anyone in leadership. If you’re in a position of leadership over other Christians there are two reasons why I think you should do FIC. 1) to ensure that you are in the best spiritual and mental place to be able to lead others; 2) so that you are aware of the teaching, and so can pass it on - whether by being able to spot slavery-behaviour in those you lead, by being able to teach directly from what you’ve learnt, or by knowing when to recommend someone go on Freedom in Christ (as my friend did for me). 

• Anyone who has ever sinned in their life. (You see why I think everyone should do it?) When we sin - we allow the Devil a foothold; from there he can so easily plant lies in us that start to shape the way we think. And he is the master of subtlety so that we are completely unaware he’s there. Even if you feel fine and that you’re living completely free - what does it hurt to spend a little time checking it out? 

Prevention better than cure

Someone recently described doing Freedom in Christ to having a ‘spiritual virus checker’ - cleaning out your hard-drive, getting rid of any bugs that were in there that could be causing a slowing down, or even that aren’t yet doing anything but could in the future. Or another way to think of it is like a spiritual MOT - you don’t wait till there’s something wrong to get your car checked, but do it regularly every year in order to PREVENT something serious going wrong. Both of these are good ways to think of FIC. 

You could go through the material of the Freedom in Christ course on your own. This might work well for you. There is certainly value in working through it with a group or someone to teach it and lead discussion. You could work through with some friends together as a group; perhaps do it in your small group; or you can find the nearest church to you that is running a course and ask to attend (some churches restrict those who can attend the course to members only, as a way of ensuring that attendees are fully looked after pastorally throughout the course). 

At my church, Gateway Church Swindon, we’re starting a new course in May 2012, and I’m excited to once again be part of the team teaching the material and helping others to grasp the fulness of their freedom in Christ our Lord. If you’re also a member of GCS - I encourage you to sign up! 

Freedom in Christ at Gateway Church Swindon

Go without food for 5 days. 120 hours (give or take a few) Live for the working week on just water and a couple of glasses of fruit smoothie. Voluntarily. Who would do such a thing?! Um.... me.....

If you’re a reader of my blog (or if you go to my church) you’ll know that I’ve just completed a 40 day period of prayer and fasting, along with the rest of Gateway Church Swindon. And you can read of some of my experiences of this period here. In the final week of the fast, I decided to go for a ‘long’ fast of 5 days.  It was a real test of discipline, and I only managed it at all because I knew I was doing this as an act of worship and obedience to God. He sustained me all the way. 

The first day was actually fine - afterall, I was now used to this, having been doing two single days of fasting per week for the past 30 days. I didn’t even feel the need to have the glass of fruit smoothie I had allowed myself per day. But each subsequent day got slightly harder. While I decided to skip my regular exercise classes that week, I did try to do everything else that I would have done had I been eating, so as not to just lie on the sofa all week feeling faint! There would be periods throughout the day when I completely forgot I was fasting, would feel absolutely fine. But then would come the meal times when I was just so hungry. 

It was hard walking through town - I noticed every shop sign with pictures of food on it, every offer of ‘2 for 1’ meals, smelt every enticing odour imaginable... It was so weird to think there was all this food, right in front of me, ready to be eaten, all I had to do was go in and pay some money and I could stop being hungry! I missed flavour and taste - that one glass of smoothie each day was heavenly not so much for the needed intake of calories, but for the taste in my mouth instead of staleness! 

World hunger

As the days progressed I just couldn’t stop thinking about the millions of people around the world who live in this constant state of hunger. Who are getting just about enough food to stay alive, (and only just) but have no access to more food. I was aware of how easily I take food for granted - the amount of food we have access to, the choice, how we can easily eat more than our bodies require for sustenance, just for enjoyment. Here I was feeling hungry and going without - but it was by choice. At any moment I could change my mind and eat - but those who live on the edge of starvation have no choice. There is literally no food for them - either because they have no money to be able to buy it, or because there is no physical food available for them to buy. And that is their lives, day after day, with little hope of change. 

I was listening to UCB and a little thought for the day segment came on, focussing on the Lord’s prayer where Jesus teaches us to pray ‘give us today our daily bread’. How apt! The speaker was talking about how there is physically enough food in the world today to feed every single person alive - but through various factors a huge proportion of the world’s population live in hunger. I felt heartbroken. He talked about how all of us who live in plenty should be seeking ways to share with those without. So I considered the ways in which I do help the hungry, and looked for other ways too. 

Swindon Foodbank

My first thoughts went to Swindon Foodbank, and the fantastic work they do providing foodboxes to people on the edge of their finances. I’m so glad that we support this charity as a church family, and also that I’m able to support them individually - giving food, money, and my time. I’ve had great times helping out in the Foodbank Warehouse, sorting out the food that is donated, boxing it up and preparing it for distribution to those who need it, as well as helping out at supermarket collections, receiving the donations of food from shoppers. Swindon Foodbank is so easy to support, just popping an extra item or two in the trolley when doing the weekly shop - giving without even noticing! And you know that it will make a real difference to the people who receive it. 

Feeding the Five Thousand

Then today I heard about a charity called the Feeding the Five thousand campaign. This is a movement trying to stop food wastage. They report facts such as the following - 

there are nearly one billion malnourished people in the world, but the approx 40 million tonnes food wasted by US households, retailers and food services each year would be enough to satisfy the hunger of everyone of them

The UK, US and Europe have nearly twice as much food as is required by the nutritional needs of their populations. Up to half the entire food supply is wasted between the farm and the fork. 

UK households waste 25% of all the food they buy.

An estimated 20 to 40% of UK fruit and vegetables are rejected even before they reach the shops - mostly because they do not match the supermarkets’ excessively strict cosmetic standards. 

A 3rd of the world’s entire food supply could be saved by reducing waste - enough to feed 3 billion people

One of the ways in which the campaign is working to cut food wastage is through ‘gleaning’ projects. They work with farmers who are frustrated that a large proportion of their crops won’t sell because they ‘look’ wrong (wonky carrots etc.) The campaign organises groups of volunteers to visit the farm and glean all the left over cosmetically rejected fruit and vegetables - gathering them up and then transporting them to various feeding projects, soup kitchens etc, where they are given to the hungry. 

Another way they are trying to make change is putting pressure on supermarkets to stop rejecting food because of cosmetic reasons - so I signed my name up to their petition to say that as a shopper I want to see ‘imperfect’ products on sale. 

Many ways to feed

There are many other ways in which we can fight world hunger. Steve & I sponsor a boy in Burma, giving a monthly donation so that he not only has food but a home and education too. Our church supports a project called Farming Foundations, which teaches Biblical principles of farming to farmers in rural Africa, enabling them to increase their harvest yields by up to 10 times as much. Once ever three months we make 120 sandwiches which then get given out to the homeless in Swindon. There are many organisations who are feeding those who would otherwise go without - plenty of ways for us to get involved. So the challenge is, as you next tuck into your delicious meal - is there someone going hungry that you could help today? 

Week 1 - Launch

To prepare for the 40 days I read a book by Mahesh Chavda called The Hidden Power of Prayer and Fasting. As Chavda shared testimonies of what he had witnessed God do during and following times of prayer and fasting, I got really excited and filled with faith. There were a number of areas in my life, in the church and in my family which were really on my heart and where I was feeling like God was working, and I was excited about the opportunity to really concentrate in prayer on these. I made a list of the various areas where I was praying for breakthrough - even naming certain things I was asking God for - and I started praying. 

The eldership team had asked us to fast each week on the day of the midweek meeting. I felt I wanted to fast every Sunday during the 40 days too, so committed to that. In addition I decided to fast from alcohol throughout the period. Steve and I discussed how we wanted to approach the fast together. We decided that we wanted to fast from TV - so on day 1 I pulled the plug on the TV, so we couldn’t even be tempted (or just forget!) and switch it on. 

The week started well - the launch evening was fantastic. I was on worship band that night and felt such a release to sing out as God led me, and at one point God directed me to step down off the stage and simply walk among the people praying for one another, singing over them. This was even more amazing to me as before the service I had been suffering with a swollen throat (through overuse); right at the start of the service Simon Turner got everyone around the worship group and prayed for us. Then when we got up on stage I started singing and my sore through just melted away!

Week 2 - Urgh

This is where the 40 days took a dive. This is where nearly every situation in life looked bleak and weary, where I felt like I was fooling myself that anything was ever going to change, where I was assailed with thoughts along the lines of ‘what’s the point of fasting, nothing ever changes, it’s not helping because I’m not disciplined enough, how does going without food even matter to anyone’; this was when I wanted to give up - give up fasting, give up being a small group leader, give up worship group, give up trying to sing, - give up on everything. I felt utterly useless and pointless and each day, whether fasting or not, just seemed a battle simply to keep going and not give in to all this negativity. Week 2 was not nice. 

I tried to recognise this opposition for what it was and keep ploughing through regardless of these negative thoughts. I heard from other people of what they were experiencing - accidents, broken ankles, sleepless nights with ill children, ill health - which let me know that I wasn’t alone! 

I went to the mid-week meeting and simply cried out to God, tears streaming, that I needed to hear him, and I needed his strength to get me through. 

Week 3 - Breakthrough! 

One of the areas of breakthrough I had listed on that first day was in a relationship with someone dear to me, where I had pretty much given up hope of reconcilliation without miraculous intervention from God. I simply couldn’t see a way forward. I was praying for it, and even in my prayer saying ‘God, unless you act, nothing’s going to change.’ 

As we entered week 3 I was ironing one day, when suddenly there was breakthrough. This dear person initiated contact with me, out of the blue, seeking reconcilliation! I was flabbergasted! Then I was contrite - that I had doubted God would answer my prayer! Then I was jubilant - I was so excited I didn’t know what to do with myself and just walked up and down, unable to settle (the ironing took a little longer than usual that day!) praising God and praying for more! 

With that amazing breakthrough, I had an answer to all the negative thoughts telling me to give up. I could stand firm against them with the evidence of my heavenly Father’s love for me. I was refired with faith again, looking forward to the next prayer meeting (I even made it to a 7am prayer meeting, I was so eager to pray!) 

This was also the week when Angela Kemm came, and we experienced the longest (slowest?!) fire tunnel ever - awesome :o) Angela prayed for my throat (which was still troubling me with inflammation and leading to some squeaky notes at times).

Week 4 - Oppression

As we went through the 40 days I was eager to talk with people and discover how their experience of it compared to mine. As I talked with one after another, I began to sense a pattern: people were down and many were experiencing feelings of isolation, rejection or frustration; they seemed to see blocks in their path to all they wanted to achieve for God, and all they wanted to see happening at Gateway. And overall there seemed to be a lack of hope and excitement, but instead a cloud of depression and oppression, blocking people from looking up to God and seeing all he was promising to do, but instead being kept earth-bound and only able to see all that wasn’t (yet) happening. For quite a few this had been going on for months, it wasn’t something that was specifically linked to the fasting. 

On the day of the midweek meeting, I felt prompted by God to pray against a spirit of oppression over Gateway. During the evening, it was almost as if there was a layer of smog hovering over the Trinity Centre, obscuring our view of God. I just kept praying against that oppression. 

That evening was an amazingly, as joy broke out amongst us. I literally could not keep still during the worship, but was dancing and jumping and throwing my arms in my air - something that I would not normally do quite so exuberantly! But I was swept up with such abandon in the joy of my God. And I wasn’t alone - people were  shouting and singing - and dancing - I loved seeing people dosie-do-ing up the front of the meeting room! 

Week 5 - Jehovah Sneaky

I had gotten into a fairly good rhythm with the fasting by now, but it was getting on and I was looking forward to the end! In particular Sunday afternoons dragged - not being able to eat or  watch TV! But we persevered. 

On the midweek meeting Julian Adams joined us. The last time he came to our church he prophesied over me and Steve about our going to Canada (since when we often refer back to this ‘maple syrup moment’) so I was pretty excited to see what would happen. I have been praying frequently that God would help me to step into the prophetic gifting that I have been told I have, so I was eager to pray for people that night, rather than going to receive so much for myself. 

Julian was exhorting us to take hold of the prophetic words which have been spoken over us which are not yet fulfilled, and ‘bang the arrows’ to the ground (referring to a passage of scripture in the old testament with the prophet Elisha). So when a time came where we were encouraged to go pray for one another I barely hesitated. I had no idea whether I would receive any prophetic words for anyone, but I was at least going to make myself available and ready if I did! I prayed for two people, and gave them both pictures that I received while praying. At least one of them I know was received by the person as being particularly relevant. This was a real encouragement to me! 

I again received prayer for healing, for both my throat and other long-term issues I live with. 

The last stretch...

As we entered into the last 7 days of the fast, I decided I wanted to go for a ‘sprint finish’. So I committed to God that I would fast for 5 days... eek! This is the longest fast I’ve ever done. Whereas on the previous single days of fasting I would have water only, for this ‘long’ fast I allowed myself a glass of fruit smoothie each day. So I didn’t eat anything from the Sunday evening till the Friday evening. 

Spending this week fasting, it did give me a new appreciation for food, and for how I take it for granted. I can’t say I felt a special closeness to God through my hunger; nor report new prophetic visions and insight gained through the discipline. It would be easy to look at it and think - what did I gain from going hungry? 

But I didn’t do it to gain. I did it to demonstrate physically through my body how hungry I am for more of God. It wasn’t for me - it was for him. And for that I am glad I did it, and will do it again if and when God prompts me to. 

Celebration

Finally day 40 arrived - and we celebrated with a wonderful, colourful, joyful service. By far the highlight was hearing the testimonies of breakthroughs that people had experienced during the 40 days. But Simon brought a wonderful message speaking into all those areas where we’re still waiting for breakthrough. Like my throat. Despite being prayed for two or three times every week throughout, my ears and throat have gotten worse (apart from temporary healings) so that by Thursday I had to stop singing altogether and step down from the stage where I was attempting to help lead the worship. It’s a particular issue for me because right now I want to be pressing into my singing, and the promises over it that God has given me, and I can’t. I can’t sing at all! 

But I know that God is still faithful. The 40 days may be over - but God doesn’t stop to our timetable! He is faithful, because he is faithful. So I won’t give up praying - for my throat, nor for the other areas where I am pressing in for breakthrough. And I won’t stop running after God. I have gained new faith and new habits during these 40 days which I am not going to let go of. 

God is good - breakthrough is coming - watch this space! 

A Christian preacher was arrested and put in prison for preaching the Gospel of Christ. Only recently another Christian preacher had been executed. The church were naturally deeply concerned for the imprisoned man, so they gathered together in a living room and prayed earnestly to God for him to be set free. The situation seemed impossible, but they prayed for a miracle nonetheless. 

A few hours later, as they were still together praying, there was a knock at the door. The girl going to door, afraid to open it in case it was the authorities come to arrest them, called out ‘Who’s there?’ 

‘It’s me!’ came back the reply - and she recognised the voice of the preacher! In great excitement she ran back to the rest of the group, forgetting to open the door - shouting ‘he’s here, he’s at the door!’

‘Don’t be stupid’, they replied. ‘He’s in prison, there’s no way he could be at the door.’ However she was insistent, so eventually they decided that they only way to find out was to open the door and see. So back they went - and there stood their preacher, a free man, on their doorstep!

The preacher was the Apostle Peter - you can read this story in Acts ch12.  When reading it before I’ve always loved that perfectly real detail of the maid being so excited at hearing Peter’s voice at the door that she forgot to let him in! But on reading it this week a different detail caught my attention. The early church had come together and prayed to God for a miracle. But when God answered - they didn’t believe it! They were praying and asking God to free Peter - but without really believing he would do it, or at least not in the way that he did! Even Peter, as he was being freed by an angel from God, didn’t believe that it was really happening but thought he was just having a vision, until the angel vanished and he found himself out in the open! 

It caught my attention, because there was a time when I would ask God for some really big things - a miracle of healing etc; but didn’t really fully expect God to answer. And then I felt guilty, that somehow it was because of my lack of faith that God didn’t answer my prayer. But in this story we see the early church, the first Christians, many of whom had seen Jesus Christ first hand and witnessed his miracles, maybe even seen him after his resurrection - if anyone was going to pray for a miracle and believe for it, it was them. And yet they were taken by surprise when God actually acted and answered their prayers! God didn’t wait for them to get on board with his plans before he acted - and he doesn’t wait for us either. 

I really began to get excited as this realisation hit home.  I was reminded of a prayer meeting a couple of years ago, I was being prayed for by several friends when one friend put his hand on my shoulder and said “Pray big prayers, Milly Jones, pray big prayers”. I think I had stopped praying big prayers, instead limiting my prayers to my level of faith - the logic being, if I didn’t expect God to do it, then I shouldn’t ask for it, then I won’t be disappointed when nothing happens. But reading this story in Acts and seeing how God loves to answer our big prayers - even when we’re not ready for it - I felt a release to pray big prayers once again. 

God wants us to pray with faith. He wants us to ask him for big things, to have faith that he will act. But he doesn’t need our faith to act. So if we ask and yet in our hearts we’re not really expecting anything to happen... that doesn’t limit God from being able to blow our expectations out of the water! 

So I am praying BIG prayers once again. And the weird thing is, as I pray, I can feel my faith growing that there will be answers.... and that is exciting!

This morning I was watching a podcast from Andy Stanley, the first in a series called ‘Big Church’. What Andy had to say about the beginning of the church was really interesting, and I look forward to the rest of the series. But the thing that jumped out at me today was from Acts ch2 when Peter preaches the first sermon. This, as Andy said, was Day 1 of local church, where it all began. Peter preaches the Gospel of Christ - just 2 months or so after Jesus’ death and resurrection, within just a few miles of the tomb where his body had been laid - and that day 3,000 people were saved. 

3,000 people. I can’t imagine that number of people. I was just impacted by the magnitude of the events that day. Can you think what would happen if someone went out on the streets of Swindon (or your town) and preached Jesus and 3,000 became Christians as a result? The incredible impact that would have on the entire community! I bet there’d be no-one left in Swindon who didn’t at least know one of those 3,000 people - and see the complete change in their life as they began to live for the Kingdom of God instead of purely for themselves. 

What captured my thinking even more was - can you imagine the impact on our church?! Now, the church I go to used to be a small church, in fact started off as just a couple of dozen people gathering together. And over the years God has added to us and we are now getting to be a fairly decent size - these days we get about 250+ adults attending the Sunday morning worship service and calling Gateway Church Swindon ‘their’ church. Praise God! This is great - we want more and more people to know Jesus and come to church. But what on earth would it be like if this Sunday we went to church - and an extra 3,000 people turned up? Where we they sit? We wouldn’t have enough milk for refreshments afterwards! Kids’ Church would be chaos!! Maybe we’re just not ready for revival yet, God? 

When you’re just 20 odd people then pretty much everyone will know everyone else. And everyone will know what needs doing and pitch in. It won’t take lots of systems and procedures in place to get things done - just one person willing to make a few phonecalls and let people know. Small church is a lovely tight-knit community - it’s personal, it’s comfy - it’s safe. 

Big church is not like that. There’s no way we can all know everyone else in the church when there’s 250 people turning up, and new people every week. Steve & I try to regularly have new people round for dinner so that we can get to know them - but no matter how many invitations we give, the list of people we want to have round is always growing, never shrinking! And Gateway Church Swindon is, in fact, not yet a big church. It’s sort of ‘intermediate’ size, a growing church. And a growing church does present challenges, as we are discovering. We’re in the process of moving from small church to big church - and we haven’t got everything in place yet. Big church - sort of 500 people size - well, it does need some organisation and systems in place, because otherwise it’s really easy for things to get missed. So, as we grow, we’re in that messy intermediate place of not being really small but not being quite big yet, of having some systems in place in order to get things done, but not having everything in place. It is messy, you can’t really get around it. It’s uncomfortable - there’s so many people you don’t know and it loses some of that tight-knit family feeling that small church had. 

And because of that, some people don’t want their church to grown. They’d rather stay small church than go through the messy, uncomfortable process of growing. They might even decide to leave a church that is growing and going through growing pains, and go find a smaller church that’s comfortable again. It makes me think of a teenager growing up, going through growing pains of adolescence - messy and uncomfortable seem accurate words to describe it! Imagine if they said, “you know what, I’m quite happy being a child, being small. I don’t think I want to go through this growing up process, it’s a bit messy, so I think I’ll opt out thank you very much. Being an adult isn’t for everyone you know”!

Well - just as growing from a child to an adult is actually for everyone - I believe that growing from a small church plant to big church, big enough to start planting out new small churches even - should be the normal life path of every church! It’s what we were meant to be. On that very first day of church 3,000 became Christians! In the days and weeks to come thousands more were added. They didn’t have any systems in place. They didn’t have rotas and small groups and creche sorted out. I bet it was pretty messy at times. In fact, later in Acts there’s a description of some of the people moaning because certain widows were being overlooked in the distribution of food. (oh how familiar that sounds - things aren’t working properly and people moaning!) And so the apostles put people in place to start organising this and seeing that no-one was missed out in future. When you have large numbers of people, it does take organising - but this takes time! We can’t expect it all to be in place from day 1. 

The thing is, we cannot put the expansion of the Kingdom of God on hold while we get ourselves organised. Instead I think we need to accept that we’re likely to always be playing catch-up. The Gospel must be preached and more people must be reached - these are imperatives, the Great Commission Jesus left us. The organising of church is something we do need to do, because as people we need structure and organising, otherwise we just get chaos. But these are things that we need to do in order to achieve the important stuff - the making of disciples. They are not the imperatives that Jesus gave us. His last words to the disciples were not “and whatever you do, make sure church runs smoothly so no-one gets in a huff and leaves.”

A growing church - whether by 3,000 in one day or just one or two being added week after week - it is a messy place, because it’s full of messed up confused humans who make mistakes. That includes the church leaders, your small group leaders, those leading in serving teams. It doesn’t all run like clockwork and there is always room for improvement. But don’t give up on it. Don’t decide that the growing pains are just too much, and go looking for childhood again. Come with us on the journey to adulthood. Big church is where we should be going - it’s an adventure, it’s exciting - and it’s good. 

This week we (Gateway Church) had a visit from a man called Julian Adams, who is a highly gifted prophet. It was an amazing evening, with a wonderful outpouring of the Holy Spirit leading to people being healed and set free and seeing breakthrough in their lives. A number of people were prophesied over and I wait with anticipation to see what more God will do in the coming days to fulfill His promises over His people. 

But that’s not why I’m writing. The last time Julian Adams visited our church was April 2011. Just 10 months ago. And on that occasion he was doing a little teaching on how to prophesy. I’ll never forget that day - because Steve & myself ended up being his test subjects... and we came away with a direct word from God confirming a call upon our lives. Below is some of that prophesy:

16-4-11

OK, I feel like there’s somebody here, you’re in the process of relocation or you’re thinking about relocation, and it’s got to do with another nation... as I’m saying that, I can see something happening over here in the Spirit, I think you’re in this section... probably in the first half, and you’ve been asking God about whether you should be involved in going to another nation or not. If that’s you, quickly put your hand up.   Oh, there we go, a double whammy. I wanna pray for this couple, can I pray for you?...

... I just see you guys at this crossroads, and I see you guys having to make particular decisions, even around, even some financial restraints, and I feel like God saying ‘I’m about to provide a platform of breakthrough into the place that you’re gonna go to’. I feel like God is saying there are doors that are opening up for you and you’ve been saying God, which door, where do we go through, and I feel like God is saying ‘the door of favour is the door that you’re to walk through’ And I feel like, you’ve kinda thought that, do we take the best option or the worst option or the midterm option? I feel like God saying ‘I’ve got a best option for you’, and you’re not to be afraid to do that. Because I feel like there is a connection, in your going, wherever you’re gonna go, I’m not quite sure where it is you’re gonna go to. But I feel like God is saying, in your going there is going to be a connection to a community that you will be instrumental in working with and being a part of and establishing some things in the purposes of God....

Ok, I don’t know why I can keep smelling this, but it’s like I can smell maple syrup...[crowd erupts!]... Are you going to Canada?  I just feel like God really wants to encourage you in this season....  Because this is about a mission, this is about being sent, this is about God sending you into a place where you’ll connect with a community of disillusioned people, who have been disillusioned with the church, and you’re gonna begin to gather them. It’s not that you’re gonna even plant the church or you might, but you’re gonna be part of establishing people together, and something’s gonna be birthed out of that... You guys are gonna be a key couple in this next season, in blessing that nation. You’re going and it’s the right season, it’s the right time. God is gonna make the way easy for you.

What Julian didn’t know (but a large number of the people in the room did) was that we had felt called to go to Canada nearly a year previously. We’d put in our initial application for permanent residency visas just 7 months before his visit. His prophesy was a wonderful confirmation of what we thought we had heard from God, and it has been something that we have returned to in the months since, as we have waited for our visas. 

And it has been a long wait! It is now 17 months since we put in that application. Current predictions say that we might hear back by the end of this year.... but even that date is a moving target. It seems unlikely we’ll be moving to Canada before 2013 - unless God moves divinely to speed up our process! And it has been an increasingly frustrating wait. Not because we are necessarily in a hurry to get to Canada - in many ways we are very much at peace remaining in Swindon at the present time. God is clearly on the move, both in our individual lives, and also within our church. It is an exciting time to be here, and we are very much aware of God at work in us, shaping us, sharpening us, preparing us for work to come. So it’s ok if it takes another year or two before we pack up and move. We know that when we go, it’ll be the right time that God has ordained. 

But the frustration comes from the not knowing. In our excitement and naivety on making the decision to move, we believed that it would be a fairly quick process. (to be fair, we did watch as good friends of ours made the very same move in what seemed like lightening speed) And so we began to say things like ‘we can’t buy that, we’ll be moving soon’, ‘we can’t go on that course, we won’t be around to finish it’; we can’t sign up to that contract, we’d have to cancel it when we move and then we’ll lose money’. In short, we stopped committing to anything more than 3 or 4 months in advance, and stopped investing in our current home and life. Which all seemed sensible, at the time. But time has ticked on, and we are still here. And the temporary nature of living like that has taken its toll. So we’re trying to find some balance, between not making silly commitments in the now that we can’t finish, and still living in the present rather than feeling like we’re living permanently out of mental suitcases! This has included some decisions like buying carpets for our house, and even to when and where we go on holiday! 

Someone advised us that we should just forget all about our visa application and get on with life. Would that that were possible! There are still daily decisions that are affected by long term plans, it’s just the nature of life. But more difficult to ignore, is every single week someone will say to us ‘so, no news on Canada yet then?’ It’s not just that they ask about Canada, it’s the way they phrase the question, assuming a lack of news. On my more frustrated days I feel like replying ‘if you already know the answer, why ask the question!’ The worst days are when you’re asked not once, but three or four times, and each time you have to explain that no, we haven’t heard anything, that we’re unlikely to for x months (insert latest estimate here), that they can be assured if we do hear anything it will be announced from a high rooftop so that no-one with even the remotest connection to us will be in any doubt... etc etc. 

Last week I had a good week. I went to church and got through the whole service with not one question re. Canada. And I got though the whole coffee & chat after church without any hint of it. In fact, I was on my way out, literally 3 steps from the doors, when a voice came from behind me ‘So, no news about Canada then?’

Thanks to the grace of God in my life, I was able not to scream at the unsuspecting person showing interest in my life! However, in order that maybe we can be given a little breathing space from this particular point of interest, can I offer a little summary?

• God has called us to move to Canada. 
• He publically confirmed this call through Julian Adams.
• We applied for permanent residency visa through the skilled worker programme in Sept 2010. It can take an average of 27 months for this application process. 
• Yes, Bruce and Susie went much quicker than that. Bruce was able to get a job and so was sponsored by his new employers, going out on a temporary work visa, which he has since converted to a permanent one. 
• Yes, we could try to look for a job. But at the moment, we don’t feel that this is what God is asking us to do. 
• There is a lot more in our lives than a move to Canada. We have all sorts of interesting things to talk about including, but not limited to: our cats; Steve’s job; my song writing; Wales winning the rugby; chocolate; our tenth wedding anniversary; our holiday to Italy; our small group; the state of the economy (Steve only); scrapbooking (Milly only); 

I hope this helps :o)

Have you ever met those people who have amazing faith? In the face of difficulties they are always positive, can swiftly bring a song of praise to their lips, they just seem so completely assured and confident in God that nothing dents them. Well, I have to admit  - that’s not me. 

The apostle Paul was a great man of faith, yet even he struggled. He describes how God gave him a ‘thorn in the flesh’, which most commentators believe to have been some form of physical ailment that impaired his ministry. And he prayed to God three times to have it removed (not three literal prayers, but most likely three seasons of intense prayer and calling on God for healing). God’s reply was to say ‘no. I’m not taking this away. But my grace is sufficient for you’. Looking at that passage today was a pretty sobering moment - to come face to face with the fact that sometimes God does not take our struggles away, but instead chooses to glorify himself through our weakness. I have to say my immediate reaction was - that’s great, but could you not do that with me? 

Opposition

As we go through our 40 days of prayer and fasting at Gateway we have definitely got the Devil’s attention. He hates it when God’s people get serious about prayer and pressing into God, and definitely when they add fasting, because he knows we’re plugging in to the awesome power of the Holy Spirit, in the face of which he just doesn’t stand a chance. So he will do everything he can to derail us, to stop us from praying and put a halt to God’s work in us. And I think as we have come together and swapped stories we’ve heard of some ‘opposition’ going on - from mishaps like falling downstairs and breaking ankles, to illness and sleepless nights with children, and larger struggles like relationship difficulties or distant family in crisis. It has been a wonderful first two weeks to the prayer and fasting - but it has not been easy. 

The Devil, being a sly old thing, knows just exactly where to push on each one of us to cause maximum pain and struggle. My two areas of weakness are in my mind and emotions, and fear of rejection. God rescued me from dark depression just a few years ago, but I am still susceptible to slipping back into old habits of depressed emotions and hopeless thoughts. And for the last week I have battled against many horrible emotions making me feel worthless and wretched. It felt like someone had a movie reel of my life and was playing it constantly - but they had editted it, so that all that showed were all my failures, all my imperfections, every instance where I had got it wrong. 

On top of that it felt like almost every conversation I had I was either being rejected, or I was so fearful of being rejected that I hid myself and my true desires and started playing a role. There were very few people I felt able to be honest and open with, because I just ‘knew’ that immediately they would start judging me, condemning me or just withdraw on realising what a crap person I was. 

Standing on the truth

Yep, the Enemy knows just where to stick the knife in to cause maximum damage. But praise God that we do not face these struggles alone. Thanks to the truth which our Father has revealed to us in the Bible, I know that I am not crap. I am a beloved child of God, chosen and known before the beginning of creation - and I can stand firm in the truth that I need not fear rejection - because there is nothing in all of creation that can separate me from the love of God! 

I know that these dark thoughts are lies from the Devil, to try to deflect me from what God is doing in my life, and to try to tempt me to give up. Through this week of depressed emotions and intense fear of rejection, I have repeatedly had a voice in my thoughts constantly saying ‘just give up, it’ll never change, you’ll never succeed, there’s no hope’. I may not have the amazing faith of those people who are always upbeat and confident - but I think that it is my faith in an unfailing God that has helped me to just get through each day without quitting. In the face of that constant urging to give up - I claim God’s grace as sufficient for me, and daily I pray that God will continue to strengthen me in my weakness to persevere - so that he is glorified. 

Deep faith doesn’t always show itself in continual positivity and happiness. Sometimes faith is not so much feeling so confident that you never have a moment’s doubt - but is having doubt and nevertheless persevering. Sometimes faith is just getting through the day by clinging on to Christ’s hand and allowing him to be our strength. 

It’s a bit scary to make yourself vulnerable by admitting your struggles. But I offer up this personal admission with the prayer that someone might find this an encouragement in their struggles. In the light of eternity our dark days are but a fleeting night - they will come to an end. And until that point - we are never left to face them alone. 

In an effort to get through January and remember that spring is on the way I bought some spring bulbs. On Monday I decided it was time to plant them. But when I went out into the garden, I found my flower beds a mess after the neglect of the winter - full of weeds and dead plants from last year. 

Now I had a choice. I could have just planted my bulbs in amongst the weeds and left them too it. And with the temperature at around -1, it was tempting! But I knew that if I did that, my bulbs would have to compete with the weeds for the nutrients in the soil, and as they started to grow they might get choked by the weeds around them and not get to be very big, if they survived at all. 

It took me three hours to weed and tidy the garden, to make it ready for those new bulbs, and just half an hour to plant them. 

If we want to grow as healthy and fruitful as we have the potential to be - then we have to let God get in and weed and tidy us first of all! If we let God into our lives to remove the mess that we’ve made of it, then he can cultivate us,  prepare us, for the flowers he wants to plant in our life. He could just send us out to work for him without doing the tidy-up work first - but we won’t be as fruitful. 

I don’t know about you, but I’d like to produce as many flowers in my life as I can, and I’m happy for God to come and remove all my weeds, even if it means I have to wait a bit longer before I start to show the results. 

The wisest man who every lived, King Solomon, wrote that there was a time for everything. If you're feeling a bit barren at the moment, perhaps now is the time for weeding, in preparation for a time of flowering to come? 

 There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to be born and a time to die, 
   a time to plant and a time to uproot, 
 a time to kill and a time to heal, 
   a time to tear down and a time to build, 
 a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
   a time to mourn and a time to dance, 
 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, 
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 
 a time to search and a time to give up, 
   a time to keep and a time to throw away, 
 a time to tear and a time to mend, 
   a time to be silent and a time to speak, 
 a time to love and a time to hate, 
   a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8